(Let’s) Never Forget

  It’s hard to believe that today there are people in the workforce who weren’t even alive on Sept. 11, 2001.

In fact, it’s been labeled a defining event for Millennials – a date marker between those who were alive on that date and those (Generation Z) who weren’t. That said, the passage of time has surely dimmed the memory even for many who did live through it. More’s the pity.

Odds are if you were “here” on that most awful of days, you’ll remember exactly where you were. I was travelling from one coast to the other – heading to speak at a conference early on that bright Tuesday morning in 2001. In fact, I was in the middle of that cross-country flight, literally running from one terminal to another in Dallas, Texas when my cellphone rang. I was annoyed – the hour was early, my flight in had been late, and the timing between that and my connection was uncomfortably short – particularly for a flight that was in another terminal. 

The call was from my wife – I assumed she was simply checking to see if I had landed safely – and she was, though not for the reasons I thought. See, I had been on an American Airlines flight heading for Los Angeles, after all – and at that time, not much else was known about the first plane that struck the World Trade Center beyond it being an American Airlines flight headed to LA. I was breathless – could hardly make out what she was saying from the noise in the terminal. I was sure I was misunderstanding what she claimed to have seen on TV.

Would that I had…

And then as I slowed, for the first time it sank in – and I saw what my subconscious mind had seen, but not registered – the crowds surrounding the TV monitors throughout the terminal.

My first thought was to try and get on a flight back home – fortunately my travel agent’s first thought was to get me a hotel room. They’d be in short supply shortly – and, sure enough, on that most awful of days – I wound up stranded in a hotel room hundreds of insurmountable miles away from family and friends. It was, without a doubt, the longest day – and loneliest night – of my life.

In fact, I was to spend the next several days at that Dallas hotel. There were no planes flying, no rental cars to be had – nowhere to go for what turned out to be three interminably long days. As that long week drew to a close, I was finally able to get a rental car and begin a long two-day journey home. It was a long, lonely drive, but one that gave me a lot of time to think, though most of that drive was a blur, just mile after endless mile of open road with nothing but AM talk radio to fill the void.

And then, somewhere in a remote section of Arkansas, I spotted something approaching in my rearview mirror. There hadn’t been much traffic on the road – in fact, it had been a couple of hours since I had seen anyone at all, so the movement caught my eye. As they came into focus, I saw it was a group of bikers – at least a couple of dozen of them, spread out across the highway – led by a particularly “scruffy” looking guy with a long beard and lots of menacing tattoos on a big bike. Out in the middle of nowhere, all alone on this deserted highway – well, I was nervous to say the least as they pulled alongside.

And then, as the lead cyclist pulled past me, I saw unfurled behind him on that big bike an enormous American flag.

At that moment, for the first time in 72 hours, I felt a sense of peace – the comfort you feel inside when you know you are going … home.

I’ve thought back on that day – and that feeling – many times since then. Even today, I can still feel that ache of being kept apart from those I love as if it were yesterday – but I also draw comfort from that memory of that biker gang driving by me flying our nation’s flag.   

On not a few mornings since that awful September day, I’ve thought about how many went to work, how many boarded a plane, not realizing that they would not get to come home, not just that day – but ever again. How many on that day sacrificed their lives so that others could go home. How many still put their lives on the line every day, here and abroad.

We take a lot for granted in this life, nothing more cavalierly than there will be a tomorrow to set the record straight, to right wrongs inflicted, to tell our loved ones just how precious they are.

This week as we remember that most awful of days, and the loss of those no longer with us, let’s never forget – and take a moment – together – to treasure what we have – and those we have to share it with still.

Peace.

- Nevin E. Adams, JD

Love and Money

  How well do you (think you) know your significant other?

The passage of time—shared experiences and the process of getting to know each other reveals much—and yet I learned something new about my partner of some four decades just last week!

That brought to mind one of the favorite game shows of my youth was The Newlywed Game. The show featured four couples—all of which were to have been married less than two years. Each of the contestant couples were separated—then asked a series of questions designed to test these newlywed couples’ knowledge of each other, and in some cases their collective memories (and willingness to share publicly). Points were assigned based on answers that matched—but the most memorable, of course, were the missed matches—and the inevitable response of the spouse who was absolutely CERTAIN of the response of their partner.  

Now, a year of marriage is arguably not long enough to know EVERYTHING about your partner. But, and with Valentine’s Day looming, a couple of industry surveys remind us that, while money can’t “buy me love,” it can be a relationship “breaker.”

Indeed, a new survey by Empower asserts that spending habits (38%) and budgeting (33%) are the money topics most likely to lead to disagreements in relationships followed by financial priorities/goals (20%). Over a third of couples (37%) say money is a big relationship stress point, with Gen Zers feeling the most strain around financial issues (48%). Retirement planning/savings, while on the disagreements list, was pretty far down—cited by only 10%—though one assumes that is largely because of its relatively distant timing impact(s).

Fidelity Investments’ 2024 Couples and Money study notes that 45% of partners admit they argue about money at least occasionally—and more than 1 in 4 couples identify money as their greatest relationship challenge. Fidelity’s survey is interesting in that it—like that old Newlywed Game show—surveys couples individually before bringing their answers together to analyze and identify where couples are doing well with their communication and finances. Those couples give themselves high marks on that score—with nearly 9 in 10 claiming they communicate well or very well with their partner.

On that account, the Fidelity report notes that more than a third of couples miss the mark when it comes to how much income their significant other makes—and more than a quarter (27%) admit to being often frustrated by their partner’s money habits, but say they let it go for the sake of keeping the peace. More than half—but just over half (54%) cite as their top financial concern having enough money saved for retirement. Only about half (57%) work together on making decisions about retirement savings and other long-term goals.[i] The good news is more than half of respondents feel very good or excellent about their financial health and 27% of Boomers say building a financial plan together is their love language.   

Inevitably couples are comprised of individuals who have different interests and aptitudes—and money and finances, in particular, can be a sensitive subject. We’re often caught between a fear of being judged—or convinced that judgement is required in order to achieve financial order, but worried that expressing that concern will lead to arguments—or worse. It’s something to bear in mind this Valentine’s Day amidst all the candy, flowers and romantic dinners. 

One thing seems certain, however; just as healthy long-term relationships are built on trust and openness—so are their healthy finances.

- Nevin E. Adams, JD 

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[i] When it comes to having a vision for retirement, Fidelity found that couples are mostly aligned on how they want to be spending their time—with family, friends, traveling, and their hobbies—though about half (53%) of couples who have not yet retired express conflicting views on how much they need to have saved to retire.

Never Forget

Early on a bright Tuesday morning in September, I was in the middle of a cross-country flight, literally running from one terminal to another in Dallas, when, much to my dismay, my cell phone rang.

It was my wife. It was September 11, 2001.  I had been on an American Airlines flight heading for L.A., after all — and at that time, not much else was known about the first plane that struck the World Trade Center. I thought she had to be misunderstanding what she had seen on TV. Would that she had…

It’s been 17 years since then – and yet every year on September 11, I can’t help but recall the events of that day.  How on that day in particular, when family and friends were so particularly dear and precious, I spent stranded in a hotel room in Dallas. It was perhaps the longest day — and loneliest night — of my life.

In fact, I was to spend the next several days in Dallas — there were no planes flying, no rental cars to be had — I was literally separated from home and family by hundreds of insurmountable miles for three interminably long days. As that long week drew to a close, I finally was able to acquire a rental car and begin a long two-day journey home. During that long, lonely drive, I had lots of time to think, to pray, and yes, to cry.  Most of that drive is a blur to me now, just mile after endless mile of open road.

There was, however, one incident I will never forget. Somewhere in the middle of Arkansas, a large group of bikers was coming up around me. A particularly scruffy looking guy with a long beard led the pack on a big bike — rough looking – the kind you generally aren’t happy to see coming up behind you on a lonely deserted highway. But unfurled behind him on his Harley was an enormous American flag. And at that moment, for the first time in 72 hours, I felt a sense of peace — the comfort you feel inside when you know you are going…home.

Seventeen years later, I can still feel that ache of being separated from those I love — and yet, even amidst the acrimony of our current political climate, I’m still able to recall the warmth I felt when I saw that biker gang pass by me flying our nation’s flag.

On not a few mornings since that awful day, I’ve thought about how many went to work, how many boarded a plane – as many will today - not realizing that they would not get to come home again. How many sacrificed their lives so that others could go home. How many put their lives on the line every day still, here and abroad, to help keep us and our loved ones safe.

We take a lot for granted in this life, perhaps nothing more cavalierly than that there will be a tomorrow to set the record straight, to right inflicted wrongs, to tell our loved ones just how precious they are. On this day – as we remember that most awful of days - let’s all take a moment to treasure what we have — and those we have to share it with still.

Peace.